The Problem of Friendship
Partly inspired by Philip Yancey and Paul Brand’s The Gift of Pain
The Problem of Friendship is that we do not know how to suffer.
The nay-sayers will say I have come again with my suffering theology. But I do not present this article lightly. My dear reader, I have invested some thought and time into constructing this piece, and I hope you can feel it by the time you finish reading.
Why do I say the problem of Friendship is that we do not know how to suffer?
Well, because I said so.
Wait, don’t go yet.
Check out this cute picture of me with a book on Baboons. Believe it or not, I perused it for some content on Friendship. Yes, I was ready to investigate Baboons to find an answer to this heart question. My inner Anthropologist sparkled.
Let’s get into it.
There were many reasons I felt the need to write about Friendship. I will highlight two key reasons.
For the Love: I credit the phrase “For the Love” to a message series that hit my heart. Reflecting on my last decade, I think a lot about the friendships that shaped me into who I am today. Grade 10, or SS1 as we call it in Nigeria, bestowed on me the gift of a Best Friend. The first day my friend told me the words: YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, I went and googled “Who is a best friend?” I am not even joking. I researched the limited Google inventory then on “Best friend behaviours,” and I took my newly titled position seriously! Shout out to you, High School -Best friend, just in case you are reading this article published on the world wide web. Nothing is a secret these days. Privacy is a myth, right? Wrong.
Teenage-hood is fraught with identity-crisis-paralysis. If you are not part of the cool kids, you struggle to be part of them; if you are them, you struggle to keep up with the Joneses and avoid everyone discovering you’re a fake and still pee in your bed. Is that taking it too far? Okay, maybe a little. To be fair, some kids just focus on their studying and avoid all the drama all together. But this only happens in the minds of the parents of middle and high schoolers. True talk!
Will I ever have a friend boldly assert to me those words: YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, randomly, unsolicited and naively? Will I ever assert those words to another person? When I reminisce on that Friendship, I acknowledge that it was and is a beautiful snapshot of the power of genuine connection and companionship to transform and introduce us to a new future unlike any past we have experienced.
Which leads me to my second reason
Currently at Crossroads: As I prepare to enter into a new decade, I am again at crossroads. Society tells me that if it is a toxic relationship, I should let it go ASAP. But wait, how do I know if it is a toxic relationship? What happens if I am the toxic friend — do I go live under a rock? Where is the boundary line of a boundary — like how far is too far of a boundary? Which friends do I pursue? What happens if I want to pursue a friendship and they do not want to pursue me? What happens if they want to pursue me but I do not want to be pursued? Can you relate to these questions? I almost feel like I need someone to shout amen! But I am already shouting amen to my own questions because I CAN RELATE!
The Gift of Pain partly inspires this piece because of the powerful parallel between Pain and Friendship. At the simplest and least philosophical level, if nothing from your Friendship has hurt, is that even Friendship? I am not talking about conflict; I am referring more to sacrifice, love and the brokenness of connection and community between two or more people who say they love one another and are friends.
“Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering” -Saint Augustine
At a philosophical level, When it comes to pain, we want a nice summer body, Gatorade-like energy for 24/7 hangouts and pain-free hiking escapades; at the smallest ouchie, we become dismayed and pump our bodies with pain-killers because which cool kid ever liked to feel pain? Isn’t rest for losers? The people who fully experience the impact of their inability to feel pain lack the ability to course-correct when they have harmed their bodies. So, even with a broken leg, they keep on running because they do not realize that something is broken and needs healing. Yes, pain reminds us that we need a healer. We need to slow down, dig deep and rest. Friendship, on the other hand, is so desirable! OMG, the entourage of unforgettable memories captured on the latest iPhone, (no Android users here please and thanks) edited to perfection featuring the best squad photo or best friends cabin trip that was exclusive and invite-only. The kind of friends that phone each other consistently through the week to share a sneeze and say I love you. The 3 am friends who show up for your early morning flight or doctor’s appointment and bring you your favourite dessert or Grande Macchiato from that complicated Starbucks store where normal people can’t place an order in peace. Who does not want these types of friendships? But are you ready for the pain of carefully building a consistent and sacrificial friendship? These connections happen with intentionality, vulnerability, sacrifice and consistency, which come at a cost. Friendship humbles us. It reminds us that we love being loved and are not as aloof as we sometimes hope to appear.
Do you like the non-philosophical answer better?
Some of you reading this article have experienced the friendships I have seemingly placed on a pedestal of ideal friendships, but don’t simply smile to yourself and thank your seeming privilege and fortuitous luck. I know it is not merely luck.
The Gift of Pain: The gift nobody wants but everybody needs.
The Gift of Friendship: The gift everybody wants but do not want to suffer for
In my quest to answer this question of Friendship, I went back to the Bible! Why was I not surprised that the most endearing and enduring friendships bore the mark of suffering?
Part 2 coming soon.
As always,
Victoria ❤
